


Feelings of Inadequacy

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ace! Sirius, Asexual Sirius Black, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Remus is a Good Boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 20:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19070089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: Sirius struggles with his sexuality and questions if he's worthy of Remus' love.





	Feelings of Inadequacy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [littleoldrachel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleoldrachel/gifts).



> inspired by “don’t try to fix me (i’m not broken) by littleoldrachel 
> 
>  
> 
> (TW: internalized acephobia)

Sirius could not shake the feeling that there was something _wrong_ with him. He felt like he was an inadequate boyfriend toward Remus because the two of them had been dating for nearly two years now and they hadn’t done anything beyond kissing, which apparently was pretty abnormal compared to other couples. He’d started feeling this way after James had come to him for advice on how to seduce Lily, who he had been seeing officially for several months now. 

“We’ve been together for awhile and I think we’re both ready to...you know...take it to the next level.” 

Sirius did not know. He didn’t really think about there _being_ another level. He and Remus had been dating much longer than James and Lily and Sirius felt perfectly content with their relationship. Remus would hold his hand and give him quick kisses that were very much satisfying to Sirius. He didn’t realize that it was supposed to lead to something more...

“Sorry, Prongs but I don’t think I’m the right guy to ask.” 

“I can’t talk to anyone else about it, mate, it’s embarrassing. Just...what did you and Remus do? To set the mood?” 

He looked at James with a confused expression. Was he supposed to have done... _this_ with Remus? Is there a certain time couples do things like _that_ _?_ Sirius didn’t know and he didn’t really want to know. He was fine how things were. Was he not supposed to be? 

“Remus and I haven’t...”

Sirius hoped he wouldn’t have to say it out loud. That James would be able to read his mind and just understand what Sirius was trying to say and leave it at that. James stared at him a moment before a look of realization came over him. 

“Oh. _Oh_. You and Remus haven’t had sex yet?” 

There is was. The words made Sirius’ stomach twist uncomfortably. Just the thought of having sex made him feel...weird. And the fact that James said ‘yet’ made Sirius realize that it was inevitably going to happen in the future. Or at least it was supposed to... 

“No.” Sirius replied, feeling very small and confused. Remus had never once asked Sirius to go any further so he just assumed that Remus was perfectly content with how things were, just as Sirius was. But now he was worried that his boyfriend was unsatisfied with him...what if he wanted more? What if Sirius couldn’t give that to him? 

James must have noticed the horrified look on Sirius’ face because he quickly shook his head and tried to reassure his best friend. 

“That’s okay! Lots of people wait to have sex. I guess I just thought you guys had for some reason. It’s not a big deal, man.” James grinned reassuringly and patted his friend on the back. Sirius gave a weak smile in return but he still couldn’t shake the growing pit in his stomach. James didn’t understand. He wasn’t waiting to have sex, he just didn’t _want_ to have sex. But he couldn’t tell James that. He would think Sirius was a freak if he said that. So he just smiled and hoped that he wasn’t broken. When the time came, he would be ready to take that next step with Remus. He just had to wait. It would come. Wouldn’t it? 

—

It had been three days. Three days since James had talked to Sirius about sex and during those three days, Sirius had tried to build up the courage to ask Remus about it. Every time he found a good moment to bring it up, he’d get a nauseous feeling in his stomach and panic. Remus must have noticed how anxious Sirius was acting because on the fourth day of Sirius’ strange behavior, Remus took it upon himself to figure out what was wrong. 

“Siri, are you okay?” He asked one night as they ate take out together on the couch in their small flat. They lived together but they hadn’t had sex? Sirius felt like even more of a let down when he thought of it that way. 

“Fine.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. It wasn’t like Sirius to be so quiet all the time. He could tell something was on his mind and whatever it was had been bothering him. Remus just couldn’t figure out why Sirius wouldn’t talk to him about it. 

“I can tell something is bothering you, you know.” 

Sirius took a deep breath and set his food aside, suddenly losing his appetite. It was now or never. He couldn’t avoid the conversation forever, especially since Remus was starting to notice that something was up. 

“Should we...should we have had sex?” 

Remus blinked at his boyfriend. Of all the things he thought Sirius might have said, he was not expecting that. He noticed how tense and nervous Sirius looked as he stared down at his lap, unwilling to look Remus in the eye.

“Sirius, there’s no right or wrong time to have sex. What brought this on?” 

“But there is a time? At some point you’re supposed to have sex?” Sirius asked in small voice, ignoring Remus’ question. His voice cracked slightly as he spoke and Sirius cursed himself internally for letting his emotions get the best of him already. 

Remus shifted closer to to Sirius, taking his boyfriends hands in his. Sirius continued to stare down, biting hard on his bottom lip to keep from crying. He couldn’t tell Remus that he didn’t want sex. He couldn’t tell Remus he was broken because he would leave. Of course Remus would eventually want sex. He had said there was no right or wrong time, but all Sirius understood from that was that there was _supposed to be a time._

“Sirius? Sirius, love, why are you crying?”

“Remus...I...I think I’m broken.“ 

Sirius began sobbing, his body shaking violently. Why was he so fucked up? Remus would think he’s useless now, just as he should. Sirius was damaged goods. He didn’t work properly and now Remus would know and all he could do was sob. 

“You’re not broken. Siri, look at me.” Remus cupped Sirius’ face gently, forcing Sirius to meet his gaze.

“Why on earth would you think that? Who told you such a thing?” 

“Remus don’t you want sex? Eventually?” Sirius was desperate. Part of him hoped that Remus would say no, that he didn’t want sex, that he didn’t need that. He hoped he would tell Sirius how happy he was with how things were and that he wouldn’t change a thing. 

“Well, yes I suppose. But only when we’re ready. When we both want it.” 

“What if I never want it?” 

There it was. The words Sirius feared to say out loud. Surely Remus would leave him now. It only made sense. Sirius could no longer satisfy his needs and he would never be able to. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see the disgusted look on Remus’ face. He didn’t want to see the look of realization on Remus’ face as he realized how utterly useless his boyfriend was.

“Oh, Sirius...” 

Sirius was surprised when Remus pulled him into a hug and began stroking Sirius’ hair. Tears were still streaming down his face, wetting Remus’ shoulder profusely. 

“I am not with you for that, Sirius. I am with you because you are such an amazing person and you make me so happy. That’s why I love you. You are not broken.”

Sirius blinked. Remus didn’t think he was broken. He pulled away from his boyfriend, giving him a skeptical look.

“Remus, I don’t think you understand. I...I don’t want to have sex. That’s not normal. I...I am broken.” 

Remus shook his head, his own tears falling freely down his face now. He felt terrible that his boyfriend had been thinking about himself in such a horrible way, that he thought he was broken. It hurt Remus to think of Sirius believing that. 

“Sirius, being asexual doesn’t mean you’re broken. You’re just...different.” 

“Asexual?” 

“A person who has no sexual feelings or desires. It sounds like what you’re describing. And it’s okay if that’s who you are. I still love you, no matter what.”

A wave of relief came over Sirius in that moment. He wasn’t broken. Remus wasn’t going to leave him. His sobs turned into sobs of relief and Remus held him close, whispering reassuring things into his ear. 

“I’m not broken.” 

—

Sirius had told James and Lily that he was asexual the following day. Remus stood by him, holding his hand for support. They both hugged him and told him how much they loved him and how happy they were for him.

His and Remus’ relationship stayed the same. Holding hands, cuddles and gentle kisses. They sat down with one another regularly to discuss what Sirius was and was not comfortable with to be sure no lines were being crossed and Sirius couldn’t believe how great Remus was throughout it all. It was still so shocking to him that Remus stayed but he would just remind Sirius of all the real and important reasons he fell in love with him.

And Sirius believed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i kind of wrote this to show that people who are asexual can and do have healthy relationships. i’ve always liked the idea of asexual/demisexual sirius and so i wrote about it. 
> 
> not all asexual people have the same feelings, though. asexuality has a very wide spectrum and everyone is different and wonderful in their own way 
> 
>  
> 
> follow me on tumblr @xomarauders   
> I take requests there


End file.
